Sunday, April 27, 2014

If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 3

As the opening was cleared, Charlie and I waited as Pony Tail decided to move forward, without checking for more traps. You see, there is something that I learned quickly when playing in campaigns from both Charlie and a few of our other friends, and things that I have done myself to players in my own, always check for traps beyond the door you just opened. I waited with baited breath as our miraculous thief went forward glancing around offhandedly asking for what he finds.

 As Little Boy begins to describe a closed in room with 4 walls like it is Salma Hayek's personal room and he has been invited in for a tryst.

Seriously, I would until your dick got sore...

 As yet another Hayek fantasy rampaged through my mind (daily occurrence), I was brought out of my musings when Little Boy began to describe all the different porcelain dolls located in the room. I glanced at Charlie during the description and noticed his spaced look, Salma dream also? Clearing my head of my Latin muse, I brought Charlie back to the present by a nudge and whisper.

 I swear to god, not only has he not checked for any traps or anything hidden, he is naming the fucking dolls.....

 Charlie shook his head as we both began to listen again trying to see what cuckoo pants, a.k.a. Pony Tail, was doing now. 

 "The red head one will be Alice, and that one beside her, that is Alejandro, her gardener that softens her heart and sweeps her off her feet."

 Great, we went from D&D to a fucking Lifetime movie...

 Pony Tail began to move each of the dolls after naming them and setting them down as though the dolls would shit coins. As Charlie and I sat there wondering what the fuck his 'plan' was for this, Biggboy came back from smoking and began to listen. After 30 seconds, Biggboy began to look back and forth between everyone else in the party and even the DM trying to understand what the hell was going on. Leaning over to Charlie, Biggboy began to whisper animatedly before looking up at Little Boy.

 "Fuck this shit, I have people to kill."

 With that, Biggboy began the the very satisfying job of smashing every single doll in the room. As we began to progress into the pathways, the entire group was getting more annoyed with Pony Tail as he kept missing trap after trap and walking past hidden entrances. As I brought up the rear, I would discreetly loot the left overs from the traps, be them sprung or not. Charlie it would seem was getting annoyed with using all of his healing spells on the shitty thief we brought with us and exhausted all but one of his healing potions. Then it all came to a head when a sound of metal snapping was heard in the tunnel.

 Turning back to us, showing the ill-fated dagger, Charlie understandably got upset, or as I like to call it, 'lost his shit'. After using Pony Tail's face as a door knocker, Charlie moved forward to open the door. I still don't know what possessed him to do so, with everything that had been missed by the thief, you would have thought Charlie would have waited behind a wall or another person before stepping forward until he was sure that no more traps had been left. But as he moved forward, a blast rocked the area as we noticed that Charlie went from being able to give a high five to a high three. It was then, that the switch in Charlie flipped.

  I looked at Pony Tail and let him know my thoughts about his life expectancy.

 Yep, you're fucked.

As his eyes widened in realization, Pony Tail tried to stop Charlie before he was bear hugged. Unfortunately, for some reason, Charlie was ready with improved grapple. Why? Good question. Charlie likes to be prepared for whatever. After unceremoniously picking up the thief, Charlie launched Pony Tail into the next door which activated a trap. Once his unconscious body fell to the ground, I thought it was time for some of my own fun and began to help with lobbing the body in our own version of a midget toss.

 Just call me Gary Foster

After the first few throws, Charlie and I began to compare distance and competed in our first thief toss, I won. Unfortunately, our fun had to come to an end with a certain door and a certain acid trap.

 Great. where are we going to find another thief?

 At this point, Neverwas spoke up with his 10th character, "You need a thief?"

 Charlie and I looked at one another and thanked the heavens for round two.

Friday, April 25, 2014

The adventures of the Smith Family

 One night, while trying to decide who should be the instigator for this round of debauchery and lawlessness, or as my wife likes to call it D&D night, Kid Icarus decided in all of his glorious wisdom that he wanted to run a Gestalt campaign.  Now the interesting thing for this was that none of our group had played a gestalt character before. Sure, Charlie had read about them and brought them to my attention (though I enjoy D&D immensely, I have always been more of a Masquerade player)

(Bitch! I'm fabulous!)

 As the long process began of choosing which classes I wanted, I decided to make a gestalt version of a Spell Thief. As one, everyone at the table moved into what is universally considered the most difficult part of character creation for our group, naming the PC. While generally I can pull a name out of my ass with little problem, for some reason it was proving more difficult. As Charlie and I were discussing what we should name our characters, we decided that our characters would be brothers, the Smith brothers.

 Now, even though this is not the most intimidating surname that has been created, nor the most creative, somehow this one notion struck the rest of our name challenged group and we all became members of the Smiths. As Kid Icarus was finalizing his thoughts for what we would face, Charlie and I began to delve into the Smith family history to find our family motto. Even though the campaign had begun, it took us nearly 30 minutes to decide on what it would be.

Kill the Dragon. Loot the Treasure. Fuck the Girl. (What made this more entertaining was the fact we had heterosexual women joining us for this adventure.)

Moving forward, we began looking for what kind of adventure would be of interest for such a distinguished (can't you tell by our motto?) clan. While navigating the village we were currently in, I randomly, and by randomly I mean being nearly yelled at by K.I. to tell me where to go, moved to the message board beside the inn's entrance.

I believe I will move forward to the slightly obscure plot point and search for an adventure.

 K.I. sighed as he began to describe the job board located by the inn. Without looking I grabbed the first one and walked back to the family.

 "You don't even know what it says," K.I. said incredulously.

Come on now, the Smiths will take care of whatever it would be.

 Charlie smirked as my character went to clean the stables behind the inn (I placed it on family honor that we could complete whatever the task was). After that was completed, we moved quickly to the town hall to talk to some merchants that had been looking for some bodyguards for their next expedition. When asked how we would handle danger, Charlie began to tell them our motto.

"Kill the Girl. Loot the Treasure. Fuck the Dragon."


 I shrugged as we began moving through the village to the outskirts and into the surrounding forest. As midday peaked in the sky, I began finding things of interest during the travels. As I began to peruse the other guards' pockets, a battle cry from the front of the caravan let me know that Charlie was about to battle something.

"Eat a DICK!" Charlie eloquently roared.

Moving swiftly forward, I began casting spells and sneaking around the battlefield to gain better angles on our opponents.

 Well shit, it's a bunch of kobolds....

Truly the face of death and calamity

 As I shook my head at the thought of such lowly enemies for our family, three of the kobolds took down Thief 1. As I yelled, I charged forward, blade drawn. Throughout the scuffle, I cast spell after spell moving forward with my blades to bringing swift retribution to the murderers of our cousin. Once the battle was over, the caravan leader began to apologize to us as we gathered around the fallen body of our family member. Before K.I. could begin his pandering apology, we began to loot the body.

 "Wait," K.I. began, "you're looting his body? I thought he was family?"

He was, now he's dead. Turns out that asshole won't need the money where he is.

 Looking at Charlie we began to repeat the family motto in unison.

Kill the Treasure. Rape the Dragon. Loot the Girl.

 Oh yeah, this adventure would be fun.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

If You're Going to be Evil pt. 2

While the others were parading through the town setting it ablaze like a twisted variety show act, I began rummaging through a few of the homes looking for anything significant, thought provoking, or as I really will call it, shiny things. Though nothing solid was found, I couldn't help but laugh as Charlie decided to test his ax on another player this time instead of a run of the mill NPC. As Neverwas was beginning to create his fifth...or was it sixth...character, I moved to join the group as Little Boy began to describe the remains of our 'creativity'.
 As Thief 1 and Thief 2 began to follow my path through the burning remains, (yes they chose to move in after the buildings were in full flame...I know, they're special). During their brilliant exploits, Charlie and Biggboy reminded us yet again that the town was being consumed in lustful thoughts...and a rampaging fire (you say tomato, I say tomahto).

(Doesn't that put you in the mood to?)

As we began to look around for an avenue for escape, Little Boy forgot about the fact he pointed out the extremely subtle plot point of the well.

 Fuck it....should be fun.

 I watched as Charlie and Biggboy decided to toss a druid down the well (who wouldn't?). After listening to the satisfying crunch of a druid and a 90 ft. drop combining at near terminal velocity, I smirked considering this was supposed to be a 'bottomless' pit (which reminds me of this slutty girl I knew in college but that's for later).

(Oh Sweet Succulent Sexy Jesus....)

As we arrived at the bottom, I checked on (looted) the druid, to notice his head cracked like a coconut. 

 Perfect Swan Dive.

 Looking up and noticing the pathway, I watched as Pony Tail moved forward at Charlie's command. Moving through the passageway for him to stop every 5ft. adjustment to check for traps got to be slightly tedious. With nothing happening I couldn't help but get somewhat antsy... Was Little Boy getting....patient?

Charlie looked at me and I leaned in to his shoulder.

Too fucking simple...he has to have something up his sleeve...

 Charlie smirked at me, "Nah, he expected us to play like good little players."

 As we were discussing the oddity that was a 'good little player', Pony Tail grabbed our attention.

 "Found a door," he whispered.

Charlie blankly stared at him for 5-10 seconds before gesturing, "Did you check it for traps?"

...another blank look from Pony Tail....


 I couldn't help it, I face palmed....

Got to love Vidal

 "Then maybe you should do that," Charlie deadpanned.

"Oh, right."

Of course the first door we come across would be trapped. Waiting for the epic thief that Pony Tail was to maneuver us around the mild obstacle, I sighed as he realized his soon to be fatal mistake.

 "Uh...I forgot to buy Thieves' Tools..."

 I double checked my inventory, yep still had the 3 sets. Did I share them? Oh come now, how are you supposed to learn this lesson if you are bailed out every time you forget something that is considered fundamental to your class? As Charlie's eye twitched at the smug look Little Boy was wearing, he leaned over to Pony Tail. Moments later, Pony Tail announced his action.

"I'll use my dagger for an improvised check with the -2 penalty."

The fuck? I looked at Charlie as Little Boy allowed it.

Is that legit, or did you pull that from your ass?

  As Pony Tail opened the door and began to press forward, Charlie gave me a look saying, 'Does it matter?'

Charlie's role model

As others searched the room, I walked to the derelict fountain to relieve myself. I heard Charlie curse when he was splashed with acid. After he healed himself, I knew it was the right decision to keep my tools to myself, the thief was going to die...and soon.

More later.

For Part 3.

Additional Links:
If You're Going to be Evil Part 1

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

If You're Going to be Evil....from Poot's Perspective

  One of the best things about going on random sites and reading blogs is finding those that refer to you (or something / someone you played). I of course am referring to Dyvers Campaign's "If You're Going to be Evil

 Beyond the overview that Charlie gave, let me give you a real perspective, the Poot perspective.....

(It's OK, I'll rub your back)
(NOTE: Charlie was wrong, I played a bard, not a wizard)

As Little Boy kept droning on and on about the atrocities that would befall us, I couldn't help but sigh considering how tame the campaigns he had run before had been. The fact that Charlie and I had killed six players in our last outing by *cough* failed heal checks (see neck break), warped my fragile little mind enough that I wondered where this could really go to surprise me. As I completed my half-elf, (yes, I am a glutton for insults and punishment, believe me my brother lets me know repeatedly) bard (seriously...glutton...) I listened to Little Boy snort at Charlie's choice. Then I saw the brow raise.

(Lose the ears and make him shirtless, there's our Charlie)

Oh I couldn't help but smirk as I saw Charlie reach the point of escalation. There's something that our friends have finally realized when it comes to Charlie and myself, when we reach that certain plateau, the gauntlets come off, generally in some one's orifice. As Neverwas and Little Boy kept on laughing about how the bard (god yes, i love the punishment) and cleric would be 'easy pickings', Charlie and I began to plot. As the game began, Biggboy, Charlie, and I moved into the quaint little town while the others were behind us, I ignored Neverwas as he moved ahead, really hoped he would die quickly in this one.

 As Biggboy and Charlie moved forward into the Armory, I stepped in as well; it never hurt to gather a few extra trinkets. Moving to the smaller section of knives, I listened as Charlie split the shop keep's head like an over ripe melon. Biggboy and I laughed as we started to gather items of interest to us. I decided since I took a few skill points in lock picking, I might as well get a few sets of thieves' tools. Moving through the shop, We quickly gathered all that we wanted and began moving to the exit as the sheriff 'miraculously' (see bullshit) appeared and announced we were under arrest. Not to be out done, Biggboy split the officer in twain. Quickly moving out as Charlie set the shop ablaze, I helped move throughout the fire line to aid (loot) those dying on the ground from the two axes and daggers. 

  Even though the campaign had barely begun, the most 'deranged' member of our group stared open mouthed at Charlie as he ripped his campaign a new one. Try smiling for the reach around next time. I couldn't help but laugh as Neverwas yet again rolled a new character (new record, he lasted 15 minutes with his first one this time!) as Biggboy gleefully took the first PK of the night. Oh yeah, this would be a good campaign alright...

More later.

If You're Going to be Evil Part 3
If You're Going to be Evil Part 4
If You're Going to be Evil Part 5