If You're Going to be Evil Part 7

As we awaited for whatever the dice roll was for, Charlie and I looked back and forth between Baby Momma and Little Boy to try and discover exactly what was in the note. We waited with baited breath, curious if either of them had pulled the double deal on us or not. It became clear quickly that he was fucking with us, by the glances our direction with each second he let pass. As he kept mumbling, Charlie leaned over to me.

 "You think this is legit, or is he going to fuck us?"

 I don't know what you have planned for tonight, but I am hoping not.

Rolling his eyes at my bad pun, Charlie and I looked back at Little Boy as he addressed Baby Momma.

 "Baby Momma, there is movement to the south past the tree line."

Nodding, Baby Momma licked her lips as she plotted her next move.

 "I'm going to pull my knife move that direction to see what I might be able to find. What can I sense?"

"There's definitely something there, it appears to be roughly the size of a man. You can also smell lavender in the air and hear only the rustling of the trees."

 "Okay, I'm going to move closer, adjusting near Neverwas, so that I can wake if needed."

"Roll me a d20."

 Mumbling to herself, Baby Momma rolled a 19. "Got a 19, that good enough?"

 Little Boy smirked as he began rolling a complex pattern of dice in a varied pattern for the discovery of a new quadratic equation or some such bullshit. The surprising thing was the covering of his final die cast as he glanced toward Neverwas. "Neverwas, high or low?"

 Neverwas quickly began cussing, fussing at his misbegotten 'follower' for not waking the supposed leader of the group. "What the fuck, why didn't you wake me up I could have taken care of-"

 "High or low mother fucker? You don't have time to bitch at her. Call it. High. Or. Low?"

 It truly was enjoyable to see Neverwas suprised and blankly looking at Little Boy trying to come up with something to say or do to stop what he thought was a horrible mishap.

Let us stop this incessant douchebaggery!

 Shaking his head, Neverwas proclaimed "Low, dammit. Low." Once again we waited with baited breath for Little Boy to reveal his "amazing" action. With a flourish, Little Boy removed his hand revealing a 78. I looked at Charlie and smirked as he called out "The fuck does that mean?"

 Now it was Little Boy's turn. "Neverwas, you're going to take 16 damage to the throat as Baby Momma trips and plunges her dagger into you. Make me a Fort save."

"Oops, my bad."

 Neverwas tossed his D20 onto the table in disbelief that such an "accident" could happen to his character. As we watched it tumble, I couldn't help but give a mumbled prayer. 

One, you three toed whore-son! Give him a one!

 As the D20 came to a rest, after rebounding off of Biggboy's screwdriver, it stopped in front of Charlie and myself. Before Neverwas could grab the die, I couldn't help but exclaim.

A one! Jesus tap-dancing Christ! 

 "No it wasn't," Neverwas tried to protest. But it was too late. The rest of the table looked at him and agreed, "Yes it fucking was."

 Before he could react, Baby Momma exclaimed, "We're under attack! Neverwas was hit!" As one, the party rose to defend against the attack, conveniently forgetting about Neverwas' plight. Over the next 20 minutes, everyone in our party scoured the area, but could never find the perpetrators of the vicious attack.

 As we moved back to the campsite, we came across the body of our "illustrious" leader. As each of us mourned in our own ways (looted his corpse), we decided to venture from this hazardous area. Hours later we finally arrived on the outskirts of the city. Luckily we arrived at dawn, allowing for the shops to be open.

 As Little Boy described the city of Harn to us, we could tell that something was different. Call it sixth sense, indigestion, or a mild case of the chubby. In either case, our danger sense was tingling. 

"Oh god, someone's about to get maimed."

 As we came up to the city gates, it became more clear that we were about to get set up for a hell of a fall. 

More later.

Links: 

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 1

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 2

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 3

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 4

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 5

If You're Going to be Evil, Part 6

If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 6

As I moved toward the deputy, I realized that this was going to go one of two ways. Either I was going to make the officer laugh and leave, or I was going to jail. You might wonder how it could be between these two options, but I have a certain flair that will raise your spirits or be considered verbal assault. Looking to the side, I internally cussed as yet again Neverwas stepped back to the others, and I was left to myself to see who was being arrested. Thinking back through the people that were with us, I expected Little Boy or possibly myself or Charlie. It was amazing that I couldn't even see Thief 1 & 2. It seemed they pulled their first passable Houdini escape in their lives. I looked back at Baby Momma cursing under my breath, though she has a dynamite ass, she left me to myself on this one.

Hmm...I'll get her back for that one eventually.

 Moving up, I gave a soft breath out as I noticed Tiger waving at me through the windshield. Luckily I was on his good side and wasn't worried about something going pear-shaped quickly. As I moved around to the driver's side, Charlie came out to join us as Tiger and I struck a conversation. Understandably, being in Small Town USA, he saw multiple people on the street side at 2:00 AM wondering what the hell was going on. After assuring Tiger that there was no drugs being done currently (well, couldn't see where Biggboy had moved off to), the worst we could have been doing was loitering. As the group finished smoking, we began to move back inside after wishing Tiger well for the rest of his shift.

                                           ****

As Charlie sat down beside me, I leaned over to let him know where our options stood.

 Okay, we can gank the pig-fucker, do you think he'd care if I called him a pig-fucker? Well, I don't care if he cares if I call him a pig fucker. So anyway, we can gank the pig-fucker, or let the plan follow through.

 "Well, we can't just gank him in his sleep. He doesn't trust us for that."

 That's why we get Baby Momma to do it.

 "You think she's up for it?"

 Oh yeah. She wants her first PK.

 "Then Baby Momma it is."

 Slowly we began to pass the word throughout the group of what the plan was. I'm pretty sure we went from at one point killing Neverwas 12th character, to mass murder of one of the clergy of Hextor.

 As the watch assignments were divvied out, Charlie kept a watch on Baby Momma as she kept writing. He knew that whatever she was writing would either be amazingly epic, or she had developed Hypergraphia. Knowing he would need to give her a few minutes, Charlie began asking asinine questions to keep Little Boy from progressing through the watches too quickly. Once again, Charlie was able to bring forth a level of bullshit that momentarily stunned the others into confusion. I wanted to take a picture.

Like this, but with more bullshit.

 Now, even though Charlie's discussion was about tribal fertility issues or some such bullshit, I knew that I could not allow him to have all the fun. It truly does us good to be able to distract one of the others so well that they forget their initial plans. Before Charlie could get more in depth with his questioning, I had to make sure we knew about the local grazing patterns of the three horned antelope. Once Little Boy took the bait, I began to argue the validity of the questioning about a fanciful creature inside of a fanciful game (Fanciception).

  

Progressing through a full gambit of horseshit questions, we finally reached third watch. As Little Boy planned to have the watches end quickly, he paused when Baby Momma handed him a 'ninja' note. As he read, then re-read the note, I couldn't help but smirk when I heard him laugh at what was in the note. 

 "You sure you want to do this?"

 She nodded. 

Here we go.

More later

Links:

If You're Going to be Evil Part 1

If You're Going to be Evil Part 2

If You're Going to be Evil Part 3

If You're Going to be Evil Part 4

If You're Going to be Evil Part 5

The Adventures of the Smith Family Part 3

 Even though Charlie and I have always enjoyed playing in a campaign by K.I., something that we had exploited before was coming to the limelight yet again. K.I. was not prepared for our direction we decided to go. One of the things that Charlie and I are known for is to take the carefully crafted mold of a campaign, something that one of our friends had created meticulously with great care and enjoyment, and shit all over it.

 You have a flashing sign pointing to the strategically placed plot point before us. I believe there's a hooker on the corner to the side, right? OK, I'm going to kill the captain of the guard, fuck his daughter and head to the ocean.

Yep, totally happened just like that.

 As we began the trek completely away from where K.I. was wanting us to venture, Charlie and I along with a few others began to formulate the plan for the retribution to be brought to the previous town. As we began our backwards trek, it was truly impressive how many battles we could find with the kobolds, goblins, vagabonds, and hookers along the way. OK, so maybe the hookers weren't such a battle for some of us.

Ewe know you want it.

 The rampant fornication was soon complete, though I think Biggboy was going to spend a little more time with the donkey we found at the animal hostel: Cuatro Pezuñas - Dos Aqujeros. Now that I think about it, I think that K.I. told us it was a farm and too much alcohol for Bigg's half-orc, but hey, who's keeping track of that stuff. Again, we set forth on what would be later called, "The amazing, and erotic march of the Smith Clan." OK, so I added the erotic, I can't help it I was feeling sexy that day.

I'm sexy and I know it.

I know, I'm a pretty, pretty princess. 

Arriving on the outskirts of the nondescript town, wait had K.I. told us the name of the town? Harn? Holn? Hayn? Fuck it, it is now called Hackney. As we began to walk into the grand village of Hackney, I was amazed on how fortuitous it was for the village to somehow quadrupled the size of their guard and already hired a new sheriff. We quickly realized he somehow had the precognition to realize that this random group of adventurers that had returned after a few days of travel, had somehow murdered the former sheriff.

 Now you can imagine our surprise that all of the sudden, the entirety of the village was pointing anything sharp and pointy at us. Even though the general approach for our group in this kind of situation was our tried and true version of diplomacy, I decided we should streamline this process. Looking at the sheriff, I let him know what was going to happen.

  I know you are concerned for the health of your village, but please believe that we are not the vagabonds that you perceive us to be. Though there was battle days before that led to the untimely death of members of your community, you must realize that we want to cease all the hostilities and calm the fears of Greater Hackney.

As I fed the bull shit to the unsuspecting village, Charlie and the others quickly began to dispatch the guards surrounding the group as the were entranced by my speech. Once it was apparent that those with the most experience fighting were quickly dispatched, the newly minted sheriff bravely did his next best option. He shit his pants as he was struck down. Now K.I. paused our fun stating for the alignment change of all of the players involved. We quickly disagreed, since the people had attacked us before and the fact our family was threatened. We did not kill those that were unarmed or innocent, merely those who raised weapons against us. I'm not really sure how, but we were able to talk K.I. out of changing us to the maniacal alignments we should have had.

Fuck the Dragon. Loot the Girl. Kill the Treasure.

More later.

Links:

The Adventures of the Smith Family part 1

The Adventures of the Smith Family part 2

If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 5

 Once again we listened to Neverwas inane babble claiming his foretold right to being the group leader. The admonishments were heaped greatly upon us all, forcing us back on the righteous (evil) path.

Yeah right...

 As Charlie's eyebrow once again began to twitch due to Neverwas yet again trying to lead our merry band of mass murderers and fondlers. (Biggboy just could not keep his hands off the donkeys) I got Biggboy to execute plan Sigma Ultra Charlie Kilo Island Tango. "Fine fine, we'll be good." I have to say it was amazing to see Charlie be speechless. Oops, looks like I forgot to inform someone about the escalation of our plans.

Be cool, stick with the plan.

God dammit Leeroy

 Charlie leaned back in his chair after my whisper, looking either aggravated for being partially left out or constipated, I was never sure which. Though he knew that it was part of our plan for retribution, you could feel his regret. For the next half an hour, three new angels had gained their wings, completing all the tasks set forward to by our new 'leader'. The only entertainment that was to be had for any of us not trying to tell a stick to be still was Thieves 1 & 2's rapid correspondence with Little Boy.

 I really began to believe that the two of them were trying to recreate 'War & Peace' with the amount of notes that they were sending back and forth with Little Boy. With note cards to pieces of note paper, the notes became more frequent and frenzied. As Thief 2 began to text his own messages while Thief 1 maneuvered behind Little boy to allow for less time between the missives. Suddenly, a mouth breather appeared, "What are you two doing?"

With ingenuity that I always knew they possessed, Thieves 1 & 2 masterfully deflected the question with a simultaneous response, "Nothing..."

Fucking masters of subtlety.

Before any further delving by our 'illustrious' leader could occur, Charlie called for a piss break. Quickly, Biggboy and I cornered Little Boy outside while taking a quick smoke. I let Biggboy do most of the talking, it would be too obvious if Charlie and I were the ones calling for the culling. As I left Biggboy to his machinations, I saddled up to Baby Momma to light up with and bring to the dark side.

Fuck the cookies

As we stood outside the Loser Lounge, I was confused as a car came around the corner to stop before us. Normally, one of our friends would go down and park further down the street as there was no parking at the entrance. Taking a long drag of my menthol, I moved over to see who had pulled up. See, I knew someone in our little group was popular. Unfortunately it was with the police apparently. I paused when I heard the unidentified officer call out for me. 

  

  As I moved to the driver's side of the police car I noticed Charlie had come outside to gather the smokers and was wondering what the hell I had gotten into. Hell if I know.

More later.

Links

Dyvers' Campaign "If You're Going to be Evil"

If You're Going to be Evil Part 1

If You're Going to be Evil Part 2

If You're Going to be Evil Part 3

If You're Going to be Evil Part 4 

FAQ for 'If You're & Smith Family'

I am sure some might be curious as to why I am writing certain posts by Dyvers' Campaign from my own perspective. So I hope to answer this and other questions that might have come up since the launch of my own blogs.

Are you and Dyvers the same person?
 Some people might be curious if Dyvers' and Poot are the same, they are not. Charlie (Dyvers) is my brother and cohort in many things that the statute of limitations might still be in effect for so we will not delve into those at this time.

Why don't the two accounts have similar names?
 This is not an insult to my brother, but due to my profession, I want to keep some anonymity. I keep a strong professional sense at work and do not want to have my employer have to misgivings about my hiring. Though it wouldn't be hard to find out who I am, I want to keep some distance from this persona and my professional side. Please don't take offense, I would just hate for someone to view me as less than a diligent worker due to me referring to the non-consensual sex with a mythical flame breathing serpent.

Are the stories real?
This is a funny thing due to some of my friends who have read this and questioned the validity of a fantasy game being real. Truth of the matter is yes, these campaigns did happen, and though Charlie and I have given a little embellishment. (Dragon rape totally didn't happen, though Biggboy did fuck a couple of donkeys in those lonely campaign nights.)

That brings up one, what's with the names?
I believe Charlie brought this up himself but I will reiterate. Though we have no issue writing these stories, the one thing that we would hate is for someone we know to lose their own anonymity due to our actions of vilifying or apotheosis of a character or decision we might highlight.

Do you and Charlie not like the other players?
 On this, Charlie and I disagreed for a long time but after a few years of knowing some of the members, yes there were a few that I did not like. Though we might not have liked them, we tried to treat everyone the same. The difference between Charlie and I would be that I have played in more campaigns then he has. (No competition, I was just able to bring him into this wonderful community and he has run with it.) For the treatment of the other players, there were multiple factors in how we treated them: their decisions, how much alcohol we had consumed, if I had a migraine. We tried to be fair here.

Why don't you post as much as Charlie?
 That's kind of easy to answer. Unfortunately, due to my profession, I work roughly 10+ hours a day 5-7 days a week. I also have a wife and two children, so I try and spend a lot of my time with my children before they go to sleep then I try and write.

How many chapters will there be for these stories?
 For 'If You're Going to be Evil' I will more than likely keep the same amount of chapters that Charlie has at eight. For 'Smith Family', I don't know as of now, more than likely the same amount.

Are you going to write only about the campaigns you and Charlie played in?
 Absolutely not, I will be writing about campaigns that Charlie was not in or was the DM for. Also I plan on writing about some of my own misadventures as a DM. While we have very similar interests, I enjoyed White Wolf and other settings that Charlie did not, and vice-versa.

Would you care if I shared, re-posted, or published these posts?
 Personally, I would be very honored if someone felt that my writing was enjoyable enough to share with others. All I request is full credit and link back to my original posts. You may not publish these for profit without my permission.

The Adventures of the Smith Family Part 2

Part One


 As we began to discuss what to do with the body of our late family member, Charlie and I began to maneuver the caravan to further our needs. It was becoming clearer the further we went that Charlie and I were becoming more and more volatile. Though we were known as the 'assholes' of our group of friends, once alcohol was brought in, all bets were off.

 As K.I. once again tried to lead our clan closer to his plot devices, I decided it was time to add something to the campaign. What can I say, I got bored. As K.I. brought up yet another hint, Biggboy seemed to agree with my sentiment of needing to be entertained, it might have helped that I was handing him screwdriver after screwdriver.

"Fuck this shit" Biggboy announced before he swung his sword into the neck of the caravan leader. Now as the battle began to escalate, I moved throughout, stabbing and casting while looting where possible.

Hell yeah. Rape the Treasure. Kill the Girl. Loot the Dragon.

 Charlie nodded his approval as I recited our family motto. Turning, Charlie brought swift vengeance upon the caravan workers. Though their efforts were valiant (i.e. begging for their lives), we cut a swath through them.

 That's right. A fucking swath.

 Once our wholesale murdering was complete, we moved into the wreckage to search for items of value. Somehow a truly amazing thing happened. Somehow, someway, a full posse arrived on the scene along with the captain of the guard. It truly was amazing that we realized how quickly we could piss off our DM. I have to give K.I. props. One of the hardest things for our group of friends is to lead a group with Charlie, Biggboy, or myself, but when you have the three of us together along with alcohol, you are truly a glutton for punishment.

I swear to God, it was not me that fucked the donkey, it was him!

 Biggboy stared at me as my finger was pointing accusingly at him. While K.I. was momentarily distracted, Charlie roared his battle cry, 'EAT A DICK!' Not to be outdone, I joined in the battle of voice and volume.

Pointing once again at Biggboy, I bellowed, He fucks Donkeys!

Rape the Donkey. Kill the Treasure. Loot the Girl.

Fuck Yeah.

With yet another successful surprise attack against K.I.'s floundering attempt on returning his campaign under his control. Sorry bitch, you just got jacked.

Pow! Right in the kisser!

 As the proverbial dust cleared, more bodies lay at the feet of the Smith Family. 

A decent homage to our family. But there is a problem my brethren. The leader of this nondescript town has wrought the wrath of our clan upon his head.

 Charlie leaned over to me, "Why the fuck are you trying to be some politician?! Let's just kill the fucker and take over the town."

Right on. Rape the Girl. Fuck the Dragon. Loot the Treasure.

Pausing, Charlie looked at me for a moment.

 "That's a whole lot of fucking."

Just like many times before I gave Charlie a blank stare. Your point?

Shrugging, Charlie nodded to me, "Point made."

Fuck Yeah.

More later.

For Part 3

For Part 1

If You're Going to be Evil pt. 4

The incessant douchebaggery by Little Boy grew more and more grandiose with his belief of traps, traps, and more traps. Charlie and I watched as Biggboy continued to entertain himself with the more items he could find, such as random fungi and dismembered pieces of former members of the party for his own macabre cache of alchemical ingredients.
 Repeatedly, Charlie and I would have to tell one another that we would survive this dungeon, if for no other reason than to stick it up Little Boy's pretentious ass. With our mantra firmly resolved, we once again maneuvered forward throughout. After the constant traps being placed before us, with nothing else to stimulate our attention, I decided it was time to make our own entertainment. Looking throughout the group, I was searching for someone that might be able to lend their insight into our situation.

Oh look! A Patsy!

After deciding whether or not I should send Thief 2 after Neverwas' woman, honestly I was so bored I considered forming an adulterous relationship between a friend and another's woman. (Yep last time under this DM) I decided it was time for....The Plan. After much cajoling and maneuvering of the other members of the party, it was decided by Charlie and I we had to create and launch a dastardly plan to complete and more importantly survive this dungeon. Even more importantly though, do something make the others realize Little Boy's degradation from mild entertainment into a C-rated soft core that doesn't even give you a chubby.

Wait, that's not... you know what, we'll go with it

As Pony Tail attempted to inform us of some map or item he had found, Biggboy insisted on a song with this little dance from the DM. Now, even though Pony Tail could not carry a tune in a bucket, ,he did marginally well all considering. I was truly amazed when he was able to keep a beat with nothing but his hand and an irrational fear of yet another character death.  Though he was able to tell us about the piece of cloth that he had stumbled upon, it had been so boring that we insisted he keep singing. Due to the monotony of the last 3 hours being broken by something other than 'You have found a trap', it was understandable that we forgot to listen to the instructions he was singing. Honestly, it wasn't our fault.

 As I would keep having Pony Tail change genres that he was singing, Baby Mamma sadly got tired of our fun and began to side with Neverwas and Pony Tail on getting the hell out of Dodge. I realize now that my mind was fogged by sex at this point, but I quickly decided that discretion was the better part of valor (Yes, yes I am whipped). A truer life lesson was hard to find, if you want to keep having sex, don't piss off your woman.

 Imagine our surprise that there wasn't yet another trap, we had actually moved to the final door of this forsaken dungeon. With little difficulty, we finally were able to move from under the ground into the night air, small lights in the distance. It was at this moment that Thief 1 began our glorious and well conceived plan to end our boredom.

More later.


Links to the rest
 If You're Going to be Evil by Dyvers Campaign
 If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 1
 If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 2
 If You're Going to be Evil Pt. 3